Hello I Wonderered
Written by Ian Eberhart on January 8, 2012
Arranged by Rin Alexander Ascher on February 1, 2013
Published in Issue 006
"Hello," I wonderered. What I would do today!
So, I went outside to my sidewalk. "Hey! How's it going? I wonder if... you'd... like to meet my cat...?
She is a pretty good cat, but soemtimesd she meows.
When she wants food, anyway, my "cat" just got cat "cancer" and only has about two weeks to live. So I was wondering... if you would make a donation? To save my cat? I do work for a living. Just hard up for cas$$$$h at the moment. Well, I would like to meet your cat first, and then there was an explosion.
The street//the street split in half and dark wisps of cloud started rising from below. The wisps took shape and transformed into very long arms with gross claws on.
....The skin on the arms was mottled like it'd been rotting for decades, and i threw up a bit in my mouth. (From the stench.)
Now would be a good time to come meet my cat! I think? Yeah! Let's go! Inside! As sson as we closed the door there was a loud knocking- but- we didn't want to answer it, because we thought it was probably one of those arms. We grabbed the cat and went upstairs to look out of a window. We pulled back a curtain and saw that there was an arm reaching to each door on my block.
Well. you have a very nice cat.
I just hope she doesn't die from the arms. (So we can save her from the "cancer." I teared up, because this stranger was being so nice to me. And I said, "Let's go. Make some tea." And hope this blows over.
Down in the kitchen we heard the knocking again but this time it was followed by a soft 'whooshing' sound. We froze as the stench of rotting flesh masked the smell of our steeping tea and we both froze in a panic. My cat ran for the door meowing like I've never heard her meow. We heard her howl, and that sound was followed by a scream, which started softly but grew.
Quickly, until i noticed, my new friends ears were bleeding. Touching my own, I found they were also slick with blood. I said, "Holy Fuck What Should We Do?" but my friend just looked at me.
Blankly, she tried to talk, but I couldn't hear anything. So I grabbed a knife and pointed to the living room. My "cat" had latched onto the Arm and wasn't letting go. Even though The Arm was swinging him wildly around the room. I cried out for him and his eyes swung to look at me, and I saw a Deep Sorrow resting within those visionary slits. They flashed at me, like it was nightfall, blinding me.
When my vision faded back in my "cat" was clothed in golden armor and a cape, fine enough to make The Kings of Myth wet their panties. He stood up on his hind legs and a sword fizzled into existence. Right into his outstretched paw and he took a massive swing at the Arm, which had continued its slow persistent course.
For the two us, the sword hit. The Arm and sparks exploded from contact with the Arm, which began flailing wildly, smashing my tv and my lamp, and my coffee table. Tearing the art off the walls. Its thrashing slowed as the sword slowly-but-steadily, cut through its sinew and bone. The sparks never letting off. Finally ! the sword burst through the last millimeter of skin, and the arm dissolved back into the smoke we saw outside. "My" cat looked at me and said, in a voice like Barry White's, "There are others who need my protection-gripped." The sword in his teeth and dashed out the door. We ran back upstairs to look outside from the window again and saw squadrons of similarly bedecked dogs, cats, rats, and snakes. All teaming up to take down each arm in turn. When all the arms were gone, we felt a rumbling in our Feet. As the house began to shake, and the fissure in the street closed up perfectly, not even leaving a seam to provide credence for our story. As soon as the crack disappeared the armor and weapons disappeared from each animal. The dogs began to chase the cats, the cats began to chase the rats, and the snakes slithered into the grass. We looked slowly at each other and collapsed, with our back to the wall, reaching out to each other for comfort in our newly silent world, where it seemed anything might be Possible.